


fall apart in parts

by LtTanyaBoone



Category: X Company
Genre: Gen, Post s2 finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-08-09 13:10:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7803193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LtTanyaBoone/pseuds/LtTanyaBoone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>""So, how long have Alfred and you been an item?" The question is so abrupt it makes her blink in surprise."</p>
            </blockquote>





	fall apart in parts

 She looks up when Neil's looming shadow falls over the papers spread out on the bed.

"What?" she asks when she sees his face, his stance, his crossed arms. Neil shakes his head and casts a glance over his shoulder before he closes the door to the bedroom. Now he has her attention, alright.

"I didn't tell you to close that," she reminds him and gets up from the bed. Re-opens the door so she can hear what is going on down the hall. In case Harry finally makes it through to the camp, in case Alfred-

"We doing that push-pull crap now?" Neil asks her pointedly and Aurora finds herself staring at him in what feels utterly like defiance.

 "I don't know, are we?" she responds. Neil inhales before he lets out the air sharply. Yanks the door from her grasp and closes it again. 

"I don't want Harry to hear this," he tells her quickly, in what sounds almost like a placating tone.

 "I am the sergeant of this team-" she starts, but he cuts her off.

"So, how long have Alfred and you been an item?"

The question is so abrupt it makes her blink in surprise. Her hand finds the wood of the door to steady her, knees growing suddenly weak from the shock.

"What?" she attempts to asks incredulously. To her misfortune, it comes out as a breathy whisper that wouldn't even convince Harry when he had freshly joined the team. _Oh verdammte Scheiße._

"When Harry got hurt, you would barely leave his side; same with Tom. I don't think you've been able to look at Alfred for half a second," Neil shakes his head as he searches her face. She tries to hold his gaze but can't, her eyes flickering away in shame and guilt. Neil lets out a slow breath and she sees him deflate out of the corner of her eye. 

"Look-" he starts and reaches for her, but she quickly pulls her arm back and takes a step away, the message not to touch her hanging between them. His brows furrow and Aurora shakes her head, a shaky breath escaping her. If he touches her now, if he tries to cheer her up or comfort her, her careful control is going to slip, she's sure of it. It's why she cannot look at Alfred, all pale and shivering and sweating... The image of him like this makes her stomach clench, makes her feel sick, makes something claw at her skin, trying to get out so badly she needs half of her concentration to keep it at bay, even when she is not with him. 

"He's gonna be alright, we'll get him out of here," Neil still says when she walks back to the bed and sits down on it, hands clutching the edge of the mattress. She presses her lips together and nods, forcing down the tears. She knows that, even if they get him out, and that is a huge if, there's a chance he might not make it. The thought makes her wish she could go back and kill that Nazi bastard all over again for stabbing Alfred with a rusty screw driver.

 A shaky breath escapes her and she leans forward, her elbows resting on her knees as she hides her face in her hands. She hears Neil move, heavy footsteps on the wooden floor before the bed dips and he sits down next to her.

"'M sorry," he apologizes, voice strangely soft. It makes her shake her head as she inhales and straightens.

 "I should have told you," she admits, hesitating, unsure of how to proceed. The team knew about René and her, though she is sure that the only reason Sinclair didn't put a stop to it was because it started before she was recruited. Before they would have known better than to put their hearts on the line like this, before they would have known better than making themselves so vulnerable. But she does not have that excuse with Alfred. Alfred and her... she is not sure what they are, but she knows the lengths she would go to, to save him.

"We're not," she starts and shakes her head, "not like that. We kissed, once, it never happened again. But..." she trails of, gathering her courage. "But you're part of the team and you need to know that, I'm not, objective. When it comes to Alfred."

 Instead of feeling like a burden has been lifted from her shoulders, she feels heavier now, with the confession dangling between them, her feelings out in the open. At least as much as they will ever be. She won't ever say that she loves him, not to someone who is not him. Not when she hasn't got the courage to admit it to herself just yet. Why was it so much easier with René? Was that really just because she only knows now, how these things are bound to end?

Neil shifts slightly and she feels his hand on her back, warm, gentle pressure. It makes her shudder and she feels the control slip, feels the walls disintegrate as a sob leaves her.

 "C'mere," Neil mutters and pulls her against him. He just sits there and lets her cling to him as she sobs, her feelings leaving her in a hard rush, the anger and frustration slipping away quickly, until there is only fear and anguish left. She can't do this, can't do this again. Alfred cannot die, if he does, she won't survive it. She barely survived losing René, twice, she won't make it through this again.

Normally, it takes her a minute, sometimes less, before the control is back. After the worst has made it out, she can bottle up her feelings again and shove them back and return to whatever it is that needs to be done. She knows she's in Neil's arms for much longer than a minute. Knows she cries until the tears stop, yet she's still sobbing, chest still heaving with this unbelievable ache. She dimly feels Neil stroke her hair as he tells her over and over again that it will be okay, they'll be fine. She knows it's a lie, a big, fat lie. But it feels so good to believe it, if only for one moment.

_fin._


End file.
